Warn, Rebuke, Admonish
“And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”
1 Thessalonians 5:14
“You shall not hate your fellow countryman in your heart; you may certainly rebuke your neighbor, but you are not to incur sin because of him.”
Leviticus 19:17
“If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”
Matthew 18:15
Sometimes within the community of the church, I get the sense that a Christian should never experience negative emotions or even notice the flaws of others. In scripture however, I see examples of Jesus getting very confrontational with false teachers, and I see Peter, Paul and John confronting others and sometimes each other too. Following Jesus doesn’t mean that it is right for us to peacefully accept the problematic behavior of those around us. It does mean that when we do encounter problematic behavior, we respond to it in a way that is good for the other person, our community, and in the end ourselves. Our goal should never be revenge, or even perfection on the part of another person. We are called to hold people accountable according to the position we have in relation to them. We are called to be capable of confronting others and knowing how to do so in a God-honoring way.
Like many other people, I have had a tendency to avoid confrontation. When I was younger, and had less responsibility, this unwillingness to confront may have been viewed as peaceableness. Today though, with a husband, children, and a job supervising employees, conflict management and confrontation has become an unavoidable part of my life.
Back in August 2021, I chose to work on my skills of gently confronting both the people who are closest to me and those for whom I carry a level of responsibility when necessary. Am I a gold medalist in confrontation now? No!!! Did I watch other people grow in good and beautiful ways that they otherwise might not have if I had not been willing to confront them? Yes!
The Process:
Be Willing to Accept Criticism and Confrontation
This! was the most beneficial part of the process for me. Because I am a sinner and far from perfect, it would by hypocritical to confront others if I am not willing to accept confrontation well, or at least willing to try to accept confrontation well. So for this project, I chose to work on my ability to accept confrontation and reflect on the experience before working on confronting others. Depending on how others confront me, I am still caught off-guard sometimes, I might freeze or try to defend myself, neither of which are the responses I want to have. At work and at home though, I feel like I am making the most progress towards happily accepting criticism. (This is probably because these are the settings where I get the most practice)
For me, work was the easiest sphere of life to practice receiving confrontation well. Do I take criticism of my workplace personally? It can be tempting to. The days we are trying our hardest are often the days we are also struggling to meet the expectations of others, but because we exist to serve our customers, it is beneficial if we are aware of how our customers are not being served. Sometimes we aren’t able to serve the needs of everyone well (there is nothing I can do to make international shipping cheaper or more reliable), but sometimes we are able to make small changes that benefit our customers immensely because we are willing to listen to criticism. Overtime, I’ve learned to say “Thank you for telling me!” and mean it, when receiving criticism at work (most of the time). Learning to be curious about how we can improve has helped this attitude develop, as has prayer, humility, and reliance on God. This was not an easy journey, but cultivating an attitude that is happy, or at least content, to receive criticism at work has made my work life much more pleasant.
At home, receiving confrontation well is more difficult for me, likely because it always feels more personal. My children, especially, struggle to criticize gently or with tact, opting instead for screaming “you hate me!” at the top of their lungs because it was time to leave a friend’s house. These are moments when I am reminded of my dependency on God for my relationships with others, and that I must rely on him to teach me how to love well in difficult circumstances. In the moments that I am able to focus on what God is doing in the lives of my children, I find it easier to deal with their harsh and sometimes unjustified criticism. In these moments I also get to reflect on how not to confront other people and sometimes how not respond to criticism too.
How do I respond to my husband’s confrontation? Honestly, he is not a very critical person, so most of the time when he confronts me about something, I already agree with him and it gives me an opportunity to brainstorm with him how I might do better in that area of life. Other times my immediate reaction to his confrontation is some form of “that’s a ridiculous expectation.” In these moments, my husband and I have learned that it is good for us to take time to think about and pray about the issue before talking about it further. In these times, I find that God softens both of our hearts to see and hear the other person with compassion, when we submit ourselves to him.
Facilitate Open Conversation
The book Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Al Switzler, and Ron McMillan is a great book about how to face conversations that may be difficult. It is really geared towards the idea of preempting conflict by engaging in good communication practices before a conflict arises or at least before it becomes hurtful. The authors refer to conversations that are high-stakes or might be likely to heighten emotions as “crucial conversations” rather than conflicts to indicate how important these conversations are to have (rather than avoid). If I could summarize their strategy quickly it would be a) promote an environment where people feel safe and accepted. This keeps people away from fight, flight, or freeze thinking and enables them to focus on problem solving. This is followed in importance by b) encourage unrestricted addition to the “pool of meaning” in conversations. This means that I should want for people to be heard, even if I don’t like their ideas or thoughts.
Allowing all (or as many as possible) of the voices of people involved to be heard shows that I value these people and it often allows the group to come to better, more informed solutions. When everyone in a group is able to contribute creatively, often the group is more satisfied with the outcome, even if everyone’s ideas are not included. The book goes into this idea more and offers suggestions for respectful decision making based on the hierarchy of different organizations or communities. I find that at work and with my husband, these methods can diffuse the need to confront before it starts. It also helps me communicate without feeling threatened and clear up misunderstandings before they start.
In other settings, where I have little influence over the leadership, knowing they could have been using this method, but did not, can sometimes be... frustrating. Oh well. Sometimes, when I asked questions to reveal unseen issues it was helpful for preempting a need to confront directly, sometimes, not always. From my practice these last few months I learned that disagreement with those in authority over me is an opportunity to learn to trust God and exercise careful and prayerful wisdom in my approaches. In review, I can say that I was sometimes able to practice these methods successfully, at other times I failed miserably and was reminded how important good communication really is. My experiences echo a sentiment shared by the authors of Crucial Conversations, that a person cannot get good at facilitating good crucial conversations overnight. It takes opportunity, practice, and trial and error. I need to be willing to practice, fail, ask for forgiveness and try again. The outcome of learning how to navigate difficult topics is well worth it.
Confront for the Sake of Others
“The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters.”
1 Corinthians 6:7-8
If I confront others with only my benefit in mind, things tend to not go well. This doesn’t mean that I should not confront someone if I was the only person hurt by their actions. If another person seems to be stuck in a pattern of causing intentional or unintentional harm it isn’t good for them or for anyone else, to allow the problem behavior to continue unchecked. I am not doing a person any favors if I allow them to sin against me or others over and over again without confrontation. I am reminded of this in scripture, that each of us benefit, when others are willing to lovingly confront us about our sin with a spirit of restoration (Matthew 18:15-17; Proverbs 27:5-6; Luke 17:3; Galatians 6:1). The difference between unhelpful and meaningful confrontation is determined by whether my unconcious goal was to hurt or shame the person, or if instead my goal was to gently point them to a better way of life.
Having a redemptive attitude towards confrontation has been helpful as I approach the necessary confrontation involved in living with, supervising, and growing spiritually alongside others. Here is what I have found helpful:
Pray (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Either by myself or with the person in question. I cannot trust in my own strength and wisdom for a good outcome.
Know what burdens are mine to carry (Galatians 6:2-6). According to scripture we should help each other carry our burdens, but each of us should carry our own load. That is, each of us have things that are our responsibility and are reasonable for us to manage (like our emotions and work which is appropriate for our physical and mental abilities), but sometimes we have responsibilities thrust upon us that are difficult to manage alone (illness, grief, some aspects of raising children, projects too big for one person, etc). This is important, because I want to focus on only confronting things the other person has control over. If a person spoke harshly, telling them that those harsh words were hurtful is reasonable. If a person happened to say something neutral, and I was offended because of a bad experience I have had, that is my responsibility to deal with, not theirs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend do a wonderful job of expanding on this concept in their book Boundaries which I highly recommend if you haven’t read it already.
Be aware of my own sin, and my contribution to the problem (Matthew 7:3-5). Knowing that I am part of the problem, and of factors outside the person which may have contributed to the situation, helps me address the person with compassion and humility. It helps me see them as a whole person equal to myself, not defined by their faults, but still in need of growth. Note that these issues don’t excuse sinful or hurtful behavior, but they might help me feel compassion for their struggle to change.
Be outcome oriented (Galatians 6:1). If this conversation had the best possible outcome, what would be different? Bible passages that talk about rebuke or confrontation point us towards restoration of fellowship or godly living as the desired outcome. I want to work within these categories and be as specific as possible when confronting. With my kids, I don’t just want to tell them not to hit or yell at each other, I want to help them learn a better way to solve their problem next time. Sometimes we’ll brainstorm other options like asking for a toy back before getting mad, or getting an adult involved if they believe another child isn’t treating them fairly. For my employees, I don't want to just criticize their work ethic. Instead I would rather ask them to be proactive about helping their fellow employees if there is any work that still needs to be done. With my husband, our marriage won’t improve if I just say that I feel that something made me feel unloved. Instead, it is helpful for me to talk through what he could do instead that would help me feel more loved. This is also where we might talk about if these are reasonable expectations.
Be prepared to compromise (Ephesians 5:21). The ideal outcome of a conversation may never come into being, and that’s ok. Did I see hope of any positive change on a scale from 0-10? Did we come to better understand and appreciate each other at all? If yes, then I can say that the conversation was worthwhile. The goal of confrontation shouldn’t be about winning the argument, it should be about making progress in building character or resolving conflict. Knowing that I am a finite human being, I should go into the conversation knowing that an outcome different from what I wanted or expected might be best for both me and the other person.
An extra caution when confronting others is that I want to be sure that I am confronting them about something sinful or hurtful and not just a preference of mine. If I am not sure that something is or not, I want to take extra care about whether to confront the person. Having one's actions or motives called into question when those actions or motives were not against scripture can be a very painful experience, something that many long-term church members can attest to. I may not enjoy someone else's music style, but that doesn’t mean the music isn’t worshipful. If in doubt, look through scripture for similar scenarios. Maybe spend time asking questions about the person’s intentions before assuming that the person is caught in sin.
Sometimes Pray and Wait for the Spirit to Convict
“In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”
1 Peter 3:1-2
Of course, some of the people I confronted did not receive it well. In some instances, I had the opportunity to reflect on my motives and methods and try again, with more life-giving results. Other times it was clear that nothing beneficial was going to come from direct confrontation. What then? I was reminded of the Holy Spirit’s power to convict me and others about our sin. In 1 Peter 3:1-2, the apostle instructs 1st century wives how to live with their unbelieving or disobedient-to-God husbands. For a moment, think about how difficult a position this is. These women have no power, their culture discriminates against them, they are following what looks to be a new religion, one that is likely looked down upon by those around them including possibly their husbands. Their husbands would have the power to divorce them, leaving them vulnerable and potentially homeless. Their husbands could beat them, or even have them killed if their wives offended them. Does Peter tell these women to risk their lives to courageously confront their husbands in their sin? No. He tells them to live godly lives, essentially trusting in God to work in the heart of their husbands through their living witness. In a similar way men are instructed to live quietly with other forms of authority (1 Peter 2:13-14), trusting God for the outcome when they have little control.
Sometimes God asks us also to live, for a time, under authority figures who do not receive confrontation well. When I found myself unexpectedly in this circumstance this year I was reminded of the power of prayer and of gracious and loving action in the midst of suffering. When direct confrontation resulted in negative pushback, I grieved, spent time with God, and started to pray that God would work in the person’s heart. Literally, the next time I saw the person, they were talking about how they felt convicted about what I had been praying about. Does it always happen this way? No. Sometimes it takes a very long time for a person’s heart to be softened. Sometimes if our mental or physical safety is at stake, we should do whatever we can to do remove ourselves from the situation. Sometimes we are not able to remove ourselves from the situation and are forced to suffer in faith, holding on to God for strength, in the midst of enduring abusive authority figures, disease, or other forms of oppression. I want to remain aware that there are situations where confrontation is not reasonable or helpful so that I do not unnecessarily pressure others into confrontation when it would be neither redemptive nor wise.
Conclusion:
After many months of working to improve my competence in confronting others I have come away with an increased sense that confronting others is often very hard, but often very beneficial for others and myself. At the same time, after studying scripture, I also have a stronger belief that we should be careful about what we confront others about. There are a number of passages which talk about the necessity of rebuking others in their sin, but there are also a number of passages which suggest that sometimes it is better to let a wrong go than to even work through the process of confronting someone (Proverbs 17:9; Luke 6:29; Luke 23:34; Colossians 3:13; 1 Peter 3:17).
After spending much of the last year weighing Christian confrontation philosophies, specifically “before the sun goes down” confrontation (where a person attempts to head-off anger by quickly confronting any slights, hurts, or mistakes that come up), and “patiently enduring” confrontation (where a person waits to confront sinful patterns or carefully considers how best to confront a person before actually confronting them), I believe the second philosophy is more biblically defensible. In practice, working with someone who is quick to confront often results in me feeling like I am walking on eggshells, and often the confrontation extends past sinful issues and into only mildly irritating or inconveniencing behavior. And when I tried to practice more immediate confrontation, I found that people were more easily upset and started to feel like they needed to walk on eggshells around me too. This was a not a result that I wanted.
Biblically, I see God’s patience endurance with sinners to be a theme that comes up over and over again, and when I look at the words used in Ephesians 4:26 (the main defense for the idea of quick and frequent confrontation) I found that the words used for anger refer more to a slowly built up “settled anger”[1] than a one-time irritation. If this is the case, the verse is not saying I should rebuke every person who may have been disrespectful to me before the end of the day, rather it would be saying that once it is obvious that I will have to oppose someone’s clearly sinful behavior, I should make every effort to talk to the person as quickly as possible (before the sun goes down).
This interpretation would make sense in the broader context of scripture, where a wise person might choose to not address an offense in Proverbs 17:9, but Paul would openly and quickly oppose Peter when he avoided the Gentiles (Galatians 2:11-13). In Proverbs the offense is likely personal and not overtly harmful. In Peter’s case, his offense carried theological significance, especially because of his place of authority. In Proverbs, there will be few lasting negative consequences from overlooking the offense. In Galatians, if Paul had not rebuked Peter, the inclusion of the Gentiles as full participating members in the Christian community would have been called into question. The person in Proverbs has no need to be settled in opposition against his friend, but Paul must be settled in his opposition against Peter’s hypocrisy. These examples have helped me understand the need for confrontation in certain circumstances, but also that confrontation should be carefully weighed and considered before I choose to act.
My experience of creating and carrying out this project on lovingly confronting others has brought me to a greater understanding of God, his holiness, and his mercy. I so appreciate having the opportunity to watch people grow and to grow myself as we reflect together on how we can be more like Christ. Moving forward I want to continue improving in practicing careful and patient confrontation. I also want to work on facilitating more open and honest dialogue with others, so that we can discuss areas of growth separate from more direct forms of confrontation. When I have had the opportunity to practice this with some of my friends and family members I have found that this open dialogue, practiced in good faith, with plenty of compassion and empathy, can be both helpful and desired. I hope that this reflection on confrontation has helped you feel a bit more prepared for difficult conversations and maybe at least a bit hopeful for a positive outcome.
Thanks for Reading!
[1] HELPS Word Studies 3709 - orgé; 3950 – parorgismos.
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