Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
What should encouragement in the Christian community look like? Is it simply positive thinking or complements? Probably not. While there is a place in encouragement for complements, praise for basic tasks completed, or a frequent “Thank You”, we often long for greater, deeper encouragement. We long to experience words and actions that affirm and remind us about who we are in Christ and help us discern our gifts and callings. I feel incredibly seen and loved when others take the time to encourage me in this way, not with shallow praise, but words that I know have been carefully thought through and considered. Thoughtful, intentional encouragement is lifegiving. I like receiving it, but what about giving it? How does one come alongside others to offer helpful, knowledgeable encouragement?
At the beginning of the school year (back in August 2021) I chose to work on intentionally encouraging the people closest to me. Am I a gold medalist in encouragement now? No. Did I grow in my love for others and my relationship with Christ through this experience? Yes!
Process:
Willingness to be Relational
Any process of change begins with recognition of one’s need to change and a desire to change. For most of my life I have had a resistance to both openly criticizing or encouraging others in personal ways. For whatever reason it felt too vulnerable, maybe too intimate. As if telling someone in a sense “I see you” would make them feel that I had developed some sort of unhealthy attachment to them or even worse, they would get the wrong impression that I was romantically interested in them *greatest fear*. Well, I’ve been convicted that such thinking is not helpful for building up the body of Christ. Our calling to love one another, as siblings, banishes the idea that we will be able to keep other Christians in distant, non-personal relationships into perpetuity. Eek! For some of us, this is not a struggle, for others this level of knowing and being known is kind of scary and horrifying. In retrospect, I guess I fell into the latter category. This year I decided to step out of my comfort zone and into the vulnerable position of attempting to know and be known by others. This willingness to engage deeply and vulnerably in relationship with others (not everyone, not all at once) and to seek God’s direction in this journey through prayer and submission to his leading, were my first steps towards being a better encourager.
Broadening My Encouragement Vocabulary
The second step was finding the right words at the right time and being willing to share them. Saying (or at least thinking) “Thank you” has never been too much of struggle for me. One of my love languages might be "acts of service” and so I both enjoy serving others through tasks and deeply appreciate the work others do on my behalf. However, a number of months ago I was reminded by one of my mentors, “Don’t just say ‘Thank you’ tell people what you are thanking them for!” Oh, yeah. Now my challenge was finding more words and better words, along with a willingness to say awkwardly long Thank Yous as I refined my practice. “Thank you” became “Thank you for your hard work” which became “I noticed you went out of your way to organize our supplies once you were done using them. That was very considerate and makes the next person’s job much easier. Thank you!” I have also found that encouraging others with clear sincere-sounding words is a refined skill which may take lots of practice and a willingness to be awkward in order to improve. For those of you who encourage well naturally, you are very fortunate, thank you for your wonderful example! For those of us who do not possess this skill innately, I believe the Bible calls us to this practice encouragement regardless (Hebrews 10:24-25, 1 Thessalonians 5:11). Some may have the gift of encouragement, the rest of us are not off-the-hook. Fortunately, I can say that with practice, encouraging words come to mind much more easily.
Developing an Understanding of Christlikeness
Recognizing and responding to how others have helped me was a helpful first step towards being a better encourager, but following Christ is about much more than our actions. It goes deeper into who we are, into our character and who Christ is making us to be. I don’t want to just encourage those around me to do a lot of work, I want to encourage them in their becoming more Christ-like, and I can’t do that without understanding what Christlikeness is and what it looks like in the people in front of me.
In my study of who God wants us to be I was continually drawn back to three passages which describe the character of Jesus’ followers:
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:12-13
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23
When I observe the traits listed in these verses in those around me, I should want to encourage them! Sometimes these character traits are not valued in our communities. Gentleness is sometimes mistaken for weakness, forbearance (aka patience) is sometimes viewed as ‘people pleasing’ or not having good boundaries, persevering in difficult relationships can be viewed as unwise, so I need regular reminders that a closeness with Jesus and strength of character results in gentleness, patience, and perseverance among other things.1 I need to value these attitudes in myself and others and be ready to praise and value their appearance, especially when circumstances may have made the exercise of that particular “fruit” more challenging.
For me, intentionally looking for love and the fruit of the spirit in others creates feelings of honor and respect for such people. Not a respect that covers up faults and weaknesses, but a respect for them that endures even when I see their struggles and failures. In fact, I have grown to appreciate people who are willing to be open and honest about their struggles and failures. I see their humility (the opposite of pride) and their perseverance in godliness each time they stumble, seek God in repentance, examine themselves, and pray that they might do better the next time. I respect them not as idols, but as testimonies of God’s grace and sanctifying power. And as they testify to me about God, I want to let them know. I want to encourage them that their struggles are not for nothing, that I see God working in them, and that I am encouraged about how God could work in me too. As I learn to identify and recognize Christlikeness, I am better able to encourage others and learn from them, and then I am encouraged too.
Spiritual Gifts and Talents
A helpful distinction between Gifts of the Spirit and Fruit of the Spirit is that we are meant to grow in *all* of the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), but we should not expect to have all (or even more than one) Gift of the Spirit (Romans 12:6–8, 1 Corinthians 12:8–10, 1 Peter 4:11). Telling someone I see them growing in gentleness is far different from telling someone that I think their spiritual gift is teaching. I want to encourage someone about how they are producing fruit whenever I see hints of the Spirit working in their life to make them more Christlike, but I want to be careful and discerning before I tell someone that I think they have a particular Spiritual Gift. I am cautious with the latter because it says in-effect “this is how you should be serving the body of Christ.” If the encouragement is spoken hastily, my comment might cause confusion or frustration for the person hearing it, especially because identifying a person’s Spiritual Gifts carries a level of spiritual significance with it.
It is also helpful when talking about Spiritual Gifts to distinguish them from innate personal talents. In this framework, being good at math would be a talent, while the Gift of Administration would be a special empowering of the Spirit allowing the person to be particularly good at creating order within the Christian community. Talents might be discovered by test scores or work abilities and may not necessarily be expressed through service to others. Spiritual Gifts on the other hand will always relate to how God leads the person to serve helpfully for the sake of the community (1 Corinthians 12:7).
Though I believe that inaccurately encouraging others about their talents or gifts can lead to pride or cause confusion, a person who doesn’t recognize their talents or Spiritual Gifts may have trouble knowing where they can serve meaningfully. I have been greatly helped by the feedback of others in how I serve, but I have also experienced frustration when getting a lot of conflicting feedback. Do I have a good answer to this dilemma? No, but I have found some helpful direction. Our Spiritual Formation curriculum at Dallas Theological Seminary shifted my paradigm from looking for personal strengths, to looking at how others are helped or encouraged by this area of strength.2 For example, if a person is good at public speaking, but their preaching isn’t edifying to their audience we should look for growth in that area before we tell them that teaching is their Spiritual Gift. Through this lens, it seems that the most helpful approach is to give feedback about how the community has been encouraged by a person, rather than just focusing on what a person has a talent for. Such statements also avoid determinative language as informing someone what specific “Spiritual Gift” they have. Even when it comes to spiritual gift inventories,3 for me it has been more helpful to look at the results as a hypothesis to be tested rather than an irrefutable fact or conclusion. As I have grown in my practice of encouragement, I have also grown in my belief that encouraging others to help them discover their gifting is more about encouraging and supporting them as they explore different forms of service and less about trying to pick one specific label.
Willingness to Journey Together
My last take away after spending time working on become a better encourager is that the best encouragement come from people who have walked with us through highs and lows over a long period of time. The longer I know people, the more I see them grow, the better I know them, and the better I am able to encourage them. Also, encouragement like “You never complain! I see you trust and rely on God in everything you go through, even when you experience grief!” means a lot more coming from someone who has walked with me through a season of grief, than coming from a person who only sees me on Sunday mornings (though it is still meaningful coming from the latter person). It seems that a commitment to meaningful encouraging, means a commitment to meaningful relationships, which means that I must be committed to remaining present during trials and difficulties and it means that I must be committed to repairing ruptures in my relationships. After many months I see the most significant fruit of this project in my relationship with my husband and family. We know our strengths and weaknesses well, so when we speak words of encouragement or condemnation to one another, the words carry an extra weight. The effect is similar with other friends, family, and coworkers with whom I have journeyed over many years. For many of my other relationships, I’m not there yet, but it appears that the potential to mutually encourage each other will grow over time as the relationship deepens and as we experience the ups and downs of life together.
Conclusion:
In the last several months I have grown in my capacity to encourage others and I have experienced a lot of encouragement in return. As I look back, I can see that God has indeed worked to bring about change in this area of life for me, but I still have a lot to learn. I still struggle with choosing to allow close relationships and persevering in the work of intentionally knowing and encouraging others. While many of my relationships have grown and improved, rewarding the vulnerability required to know and be known well, there are other relationships where I have found myself deeply wounded and hurt in new ways, reminding me of the dangers of allowing myself to be vulnerable. I think this is where I learn to remind myself of the Gospel and how I develop a better understanding of forgiveness.
After being hurt by others it is wise to be more cautious in certain aspects of the relationships by using healthy boundaries, but as God calls me to forgiveness, he calls me to set aside my anger, and my desire for immediate justice above grace. I am challenged in these cases to look for the work of the Spirit in people who have hurt me and offer encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ even when, especially when, I know not to expect the same level of kindness in return.
My experience of creating and carrying out this project on intentionally encouraging others has brought me to a greater understanding of God and his grace. I am continually encouraged as I become more aware of his work in the people around me, how he grows us and sanctifies us to be more holy and full of good things each day. Moving forward I want to continue practicing what I have learned about encouraging others, first by sharing my experiences in this post, and by continuing to be observant of growth in those around me. I hope you have been encouraged in your practice of encouragement as well!
Thanks for Reading!
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